


Limburger Cheese

by MooNiEsSlutt



Category: MooNiE and BrooN, MooNiE the Magnif'cent, US Comedians RPF
Genre: Flustered BrooN, M/M, it's 2:30 AM why the fuck am i not in bed, moonie please install a security system, oh yeah it's because i'm an Inspired Artiste
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-12
Updated: 2020-02-12
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:20:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22676245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MooNiEsSlutt/pseuds/MooNiEsSlutt
Summary: Based on this Tweet https://twitter.com/MooNiE123eleven/status/937722050415857664 and set in 2017 since that's when the Tweet was posted.And yes, I did spend 30+ minutes searching for that Tweet. It is now 2:30 AM and I haven't even WRITTEN the fic yet.Guess I'm skipping my early class tomorrow...
Relationships: MooNiE the Magnif'cent/BrooN, MooNiE/Broon





	1. Chapter 1

_Christ,_ I thought to myself. _This lockpicking thing is WAY harder than it looks on TV._ I was in the middle of breaking into my coworker (co-star?)'s house to play a prank on him. I foolishly assumed that most people get up at noon like I do. Phil is apparently a _responsible_ adult who wakes up in the morning like a normal person. But we'll get to that.

After probably half an hour I finally got all the thingies in the whatsit to align and somehow managed to get inside. _*Hacker voice*_ "I'm in," I muttered to myself. Note to self: repaint the lock for him sometime... I may or may not have scratched the shit out of it. Once I was inside, I made my way straight to the kitchen, crouching as I walked. My hearing must not be what it once was because as soon as I crossed the threshold into the room I ran smack dab into Phil.

Yes, that's right.

My colleague, known at renaissance faires all over the country as MooNiE the Magnif'cent, for whom I was trying to set up a prank.

Who was extremely, inexplicably naked.

Eating Limburger cheese straight from the container with a spoon.

A distressingly _hungry_ look still lingering in his eyes, which are now trained on me. *shudder*


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We are now in Phil's point of view. Let the homoerotic chaos begin. Phil, Brian, if you're reading this... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE STOP!!! You are simply NOT going to enjoy the ending!!!!! I promise!! And if you keep reading and see the filthy clown sin that lies within, don't come crying to me about it ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

_*record scratch, freeze frame*_

Yup. That's me. Eating cheese alone in my birthday suit.

You're probably wondering how I got here.

You see, it started out as a day like any other...

_*dreamy transition*_

I woke up to my alarm, which happened to be playing the bridge from the Beatles' A Day in the Life. Y'know. _"Woke up, fell outta bed. Dragged a comb across my head..."_

I immediately attended to the needs of my bladder (which was screeching at me to get up) and got my yoga mat out. A quick yoga session every morning never fails to wake me up. Afterward, I headed downstairs to make myself some breakfast. The kids were already at school, Genna out running errands. Pretty normal day in the Johnson household.

Until the afternoon, when I was eating a perfectly normal and healthy snack of plain Limburger cheese in the nude. As you do. (Hey, it's my house; I can do what I want when nobody's home!)

And I suddenly found myself dick-to-face with my coworker, Brian, who was holding a lockpick and a cage containing a surprisingly chill opossum— its demeanor was surprising for many reasons, not the least of which was the immense amount of sexual tension in the room that it clearly couldn't sense. His— that is, Brian's— face was starting to turn very, very red so I decided to break the silence.

"Hi, Brian. What the pray tell fuck are you doing in my house with a large and possibly rabid rodent?"

He floundered, clearly distracted by the display in front of him.

"Come on, babe," I coaxed him. "You can do it! Use your words!"

"Wh... y.... Prank," he managed. Barely. Still staring for what was starting to delve into the territory of being _just_ a bit too long. I began to wonder how such a tall dude was bent down that low anyhow, but I decided that the mechanics of the story really aren't that important; and frankly, it's for the sake of comedy, which can be kind of ridiculous sometimes.

"You seem a little distracted," I said, smirking at how completely flustered he was. I mean, it was like in an instant he had been totally undone. I mean. I feel like it's not THAT big. Not that it isn't big. Why do I feel the need to justify myself?

"Uhhh.... yeah..... a little.........." That was when he licked his lips and I realized where this was going. The room started spinning. It felt like the bit with the last participant in my show gone wrong. _Oh my god, is he really attracted to me?_ Me?? _I'm literally some disturbing Frankenstein whistling clown-Shakespearean Puck-Tim Burton character lookin' motherfucker for a LIVING and he's attracted to that??? He must be insane. Although I guess that would make my wife insane, too. Maybe we're all insane. I certainly feel insane. Jesus Christ. Jeeeeezus Christ. What am I suppo—_

Brian interrupted my train of thought by suddenly standing up directly into my chin, cracking our skulls off of each other. "Ow, fuck!" "Watch where you're standing!" "YOU watch where you're standing!!"

And now we're face to face a couple of feet apart. The tension rockets straight back up. Brian seemed to be in shock. I, meanwhile, was trying to put together a joke to lighten the mood and distract away from his _crystal fucking clear_ feelings about the situation when in one normal-sized step (the dude is seriously tall) he closed the gap between us and rested a hand on my hip, letting it fall to my ass even as it made contact with my skin.

Now it was my turn to turn red. What was he thinking? What was _I_ thinking letting him cup my ass like that and warm my face with my own adrenaline-infused blood and his sickly-sweet breath, which smelled like a warm beer on a sunny closing weekend afternoon at the SoCal faire...

I snapped out of my flashback as the cage hit the floor (with a yelp of alarm from the poor animal trapped inside) and his lips pressed against the corner of my mouth, unnaturally hot yet intoxicating and... and.... I don't know, _indecent_. This shouldn't be happening, I shouldn't be letting him do this, my wife is out and my kids are in school and they have no idea that their dad is having, what, some kind of _gay awakening_ in the middle of our kitchen. Jesus...

"What do you say we make better use of that cheese?" Brian asks, his lips brushing my own as he grazed the tips of his fingers, cold from the metal of the cage, up my spine.

That was a rough day for the opossum, what with all the sin he had to witness but he toddled off without a care in the world into the woods on the fairegrounds where we later let him go. I could've sworn I saw him turn and wink at us as he walked as if to say, _I know your little secret, but I'll keep it between me, Hozier, the wandering spirits, and whatever other non-humanoid creatures walk this forest._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's note:  
> 1.) It is now 4:30 AM! If you read this before 2/14/20, forgive my chaotic writing style. Obviously I'm off my meds since I'm supposed to be up and at 'em in a few hours. 2.) PLEASE do not sexualize these two guys. They are real people with real boundaries. This work is purely fictional and written entirely for the sake of comedy. 3.) And most importantly: DO NOT SHARE THIS WITH EITHER OF THE PROTAGONISTS OR THEIR FAMILIES. If I find out that it has gotten back to either of them, I will take down the fic, hunt you down, and tie you to a chair for the VERY short rest of your life. You'll be like the victim of a bad session of the Sims, living out the rest of your days in a very small room with no doors or windows that will be demolished shortly after your long, drawn-out and extremely painful death.


End file.
